An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: “George and the Dragon.” He knocked.
The Innkeeper’s wife stuck her head out a window. “Could ye spare some victuals?” He asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. “No!” she shouted.
“Could I have a pint of ale?”
“No!” she shouted.
“Could I at least sleep in your stable?”
“No!” she shouted again.
The vagabond said, “Might I please…?”
“What now?” the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
“D’ye suppose,” he asked, “that I might have a word with George?”
I went to dinner with my husband, a male friend of ours, Jim, and his new girlfriend, Dorothy.
While eating dinner we got on the subject of vacations. Dorothy said that she wanted to go to Gotham City for her next vacation.
I tried to explain to her that it wasn’t a real place. She laughed and said “It is, too. It’s where Batman lives”.
I laughed and looked over at Jim who smiled and told me she was serious. I then tried to explain. “Batman does not exist. Why do you think there have been three of them: Clooney, Kilmer and Keaton?”
She looked me straight in the eye and said, “That’s because he doesn’t want anyone to know who he really is.”
A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark, “I’d like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London.”
The confused agent said, “I’m sorry, we can’t do that.”
“Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that’s exactly what you did to my luggage last year!”
A woman called and said “I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes.” I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said “Yeah, whatever”
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent education seminars I conduct as an educational
psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks
visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten greatgrandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living.
I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.
Instead she sat back and said, “If there’s anything you want to know, just ask me.”
On a visit to Chicago, I was eager to visit a posh department store about a dozen blocks from our hotel.
My husband obligingly hailed a cab.
“The lady wants to go to Neiman Marcus,” he told the driver.
The cabby looked over his shoulder at us.
“And the gentleman?” he asked, “Does he want to go to the bank?”
This guy loved Staten Island, but wasn’t crazy about the ferry. If you missed a ferry late at night, you had to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted street of lower Manhattan. One day when he spotted the ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn’t put up with an hour’s wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised, but safe on deck.
He got up and brushed himself off, and proudly announced to a bystander. “Well, I made that one didn’t I?” “Sure did,” came the reply. “But if you had waited for a minute or two, the ferry would have been docked.”
The shipwrecked mariner had spent a number of years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, “With the captain’s compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued.”
It was rush hour, and the city bus filled until the aisle was jammed with standing commuters. One woman, precariously balanced on spike heels, clung to a handgrip. Suddenly the bus took a sharp corner, flinging her across the laps of two seated male passengers. There was silence and all eyes turned on the threesome.
Laughter erupted as the quick-witted woman righted herself and quipped, “All these years I thought I was British, and now I find I’m a Laplander!”
A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a tramp steamer to be trained as a helmsman.
He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the
mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it.
Then the mate orders, “Come starboard.”
Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor.
The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circum- stance, he asks politely, “Could you bring the ship with you?”