There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone Brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn’t get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all – 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it.
3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do.
Q. If a bear in Yosemite, and one in Alaska fall into water, which one would dissolve faster?
A. The bear in Alaska because it’s polar.
An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: “George and the Dragon.” He knocked.
The Innkeeper’s wife stuck her head out a window. “Could ye spare some victuals?” He asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. “No!” she shouted.
“Could I have a pint of ale?”
“No!” she shouted.
“Could I at least sleep in your stable?”
“No!” she shouted again.
The vagabond said, “Might I please…?”
“What now?” the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
“D’ye suppose,” he asked, “that I might have a word with George?”
I went to dinner with my husband, a male friend of ours, Jim, and his new girlfriend, Dorothy.
While eating dinner we got on the subject of vacations. Dorothy said that she wanted to go to Gotham City for her next vacation.
I tried to explain to her that it wasn’t a real place. She laughed and said “It is, too. It’s where Batman lives”.
I laughed and looked over at Jim who smiled and told me she was serious. I then tried to explain. “Batman does not exist. Why do you think there have been three of them: Clooney, Kilmer and Keaton?”
She looked me straight in the eye and said, “That’s because he doesn’t want anyone to know who he really is.”
A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.
“What’s going on?” she yells out the window.
“Cow on the track!” replies the conductor.
Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.
Within five minutes, however, it stops again.
The woman sees the same conductor walk again.
She leans out the window and yells, “What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?”
Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.
“I was in that new restaurant across the street,” said one. “It’s so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere–it’s so sanitary that the whole place shines.” pr0p3rty0fahaj0kes
“Please,” said the other roach frowning. “Not while I’m eating!”
A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark, “I’d like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London.”
The confused agent said, “I’m sorry, we can’t do that.”
“Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that’s exactly what you did to my luggage last year!”
A woman called and said “I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes.” I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said “Yeah, whatever”
When the U.S. Mint reissued two-dollar bills, I thought they might someday become collectors’ items. I went to the bank and picked up a hundred, serially numbered and still in their original band.
On my next trip to my parents’ house, I gave the $200 to my mother and said, “Take good care of these. They might be worth something someday.”
Several months later I asked Mom if she was keeping the two-dollar bills safe. “Oh, yes!” she replied. “I deposited them in the bank the day after you left.”
Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.
Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV:
“Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package.”